BREAKING: Heaven Announces Immediate Rhinestone Shortage as Dolly Parton Arrives at 80
Country music loses its queen, heaven gains a headliner, and somewhere Jolene has wisely turned off her phone. NASHVILLE, TN — The […]
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BREAKING: Avenal’s One-Man Quorum Somehow Escapes Raid Despite Ongoing War on Mathematics
AvenalPress.com asks the obvious question: if we’re raiding people over alleged wrongdoing, when does the search warrant arrive for the meeting where […]
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🚨 BREAKING: Recall Wins, Avenal Gets the Bill — and the Fire Department Is Still Here
After $67,000+, lawsuits, political warfare and enough Facebook drama to qualify as a municipal utility, Avenal has finally achieved the dream: fewer […]
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BREAKING: Kings County Discovers Mutual Aid Apparently Means “Everybody Helps Everybody — Except Avenal”
Chief Chamberlin reportedly guarding the mutual-aid gate like it contains the last Costco rotisserie chicken in California. TL;DR — For Everyone Who […]
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BREAKING: Avenal Holds Its Breath While Court Decides Whether Recall Was an Election or an Expensive Group Project
Whatever the judge decides, residents are advised that Tuesday will still arrive on schedule. AVENAL, CA — The City of Avenal is […]
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ÚLTIMA HORA: Avenal contiene la respiración mientras la corte decide si el recall fue una elección o un proyecto grupal muy caro
Sea cual sea la decisión del juez, se informa a los residentes que el martes llegará puntualmente. AVENAL, CA — La Ciudad […]
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Vegas in Panic as Avenal Lady Bucs Break Every Sportsbook Algorithm
AVENAL, CA — The sports betting world is reportedly in complete chaos after advanced mathematical models failed to account for one critical […]
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Editorial: Dear Avenal Chicanos… Who Told You Being American Meant Forgetting You Were Mexican?
Somewhere along the road between eating your abuela’s homemade tortillas and ordering an extra-large combo meal, some of us got confused. We […]
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Editorial: Welcome to the Avenal Concerned Citizens Country Club
There was a time when the Facebook group Avenal Concerned Citizens sounded like exactly what Avenal needed—a place where concerned citizens could […]
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