Tiny department reportedly extinguishing fires, teaching CPR, installing smoke alarms, recruiting women — and, most dangerously, continuing to exist.
AVENAL, CA — In a shocking development that has rattled the foundations of county government, shaken several Facebook comment sections, and undoubtedly caused at least one dramatic sigh somewhere in Hanford, the Avenal Fire Department is now approximately two-and-a-half months old.
Yes. It’s still here.
Despite months of warnings, predictions, legal drama, political drama, Facebook drama, and the sort of civic hysteria usually reserved for discovering somebody changed the recipe at Gallery Pizza, Avenal firefighters continue committing the outrageous act of showing up to work and doing firefighter things.
Worse yet, they appear to be enjoying themselves.
Since opening, the young department has already held three town halls, four CPR classes, distributed more than 100 smoke detectors, and conducted a Women’s Fire Academy designed to encourage more women to consider careers in firefighting.
This has left critics scrambling to answer the most frightening question imaginable:
What if the city actually meant it when it said it was going to build a fire department?
County Cancels Contract, Then Discovers Avenal Took Them Seriously
The current season of As the Fire Hose Turns began after Kings County canceled its fire services contract with the City of Avenal on March 28.
Apparently, somewhere in the process, there may have been an assumption that Avenal would respond by falling to its knees, clutching a county fire invoice and screaming:
“PLEASE! COME BACK! WE’LL PAY ANYTHING!”
Instead, city staff did something deeply inconsiderate.
They built a fire department.
Employees worked through the logistics, equipment, staffing, training, administration, regulations and roughly 9,000 other things required to create an emergency service from the ground up.
Avenal now has a functioning department staffed with firefighters who presumably received the controversial training course titled:
“How To Put Water On Fire Without First Calling The County Board of Supervisors.”
For city staff, getting the department operational in such a short period deserves genuine credit. Building a municipal fire department isn’t like opening a lemonade stand. There are personnel, equipment, dispatch, insurance, certifications, facilities, policies and public-safety responsibilities that all have to come together.
And somehow, through all the noise, they did it.
Court Continues Refusing to Make the Fire Department Disappear
Adding insult to bureaucratic injury, for more than two weeks the court has allowed the City of Avenal to continue operating its municipal fire department while the dispute plays out.
Which means every morning somebody presumably checks the courthouse docket, looks toward Avenal and whispers:
“Dang. Still firefighters.”
The legal battle has been accompanied by enough tears, fears and warnings to qualify for its own afternoon telenovela:
Fuego de Pasión: El Departamento Que No Querían.
Meanwhile, engines continue responding.
Firefighters continue training.
Residents continue learning CPR.
Smoke detectors continue getting installed.
Very inconsiderate of them, really.
The Mysterious Case of the Missing $2 Million
There is, of course, one small detail hiding behind all this concern about Avenal’s wellbeing:
Money.
The city’s departure from the county arrangement represents roughly $2 million a year that Avenal had been paying for county fire service, according to the figures surrounding the dispute.
Suddenly the intense concern begins making a little more sense.
Nothing says:
“We are deeply worried about your safety”
quite like:
“Also, where did our $2 million go?”
County officials may insist the fight is about policy, safety, procedure and assorted serious governmental nouns.
Avenal residents might reasonably notice that two million governmental dollars have approximately two million ways of making people very passionate about principle.
More Firefighters? Somebody Alert Facebook.
One of the stranger twists is staffing.
Under the previous county arrangement, Avenal had been contracted around a minimum two-firefighter staffing model.
The city’s new department now has more than double the available manpower and womanpower associated with that minimum.
We regret to inform everyone that this has created yet another crisis.
Because residents had been repeatedly warned that creating a city department would apparently result in three guys, a garden hose and somebody’s 1998 Chevy Silverado racing toward structure fires.
Instead, Avenal ended up with firefighters.
Several of them.
Some are even women.
At this rate, by Christmas they may have matching uniforms.
Women Discover Firefighting Does Not Require a Y Chromosome
Perhaps one of the department’s smartest early efforts has been its Women’s Fire Academy, giving women an opportunity to experience the profession and encouraging them to consider firefighting careers.
This is particularly alarming to anyone still operating under the belief that fire becomes more difficult to extinguish when confronted by a woman.
Scientists at AvenalPress.com attempted to determine whether flames can distinguish between male and female firefighters.
Our findings were inconclusive because the fire went out either way.
Recruiting locally and expanding the pool of residents who view firefighting as a possible career is exactly the sort of long-term community investment a new department ought to be making.
That sentence was dangerously sincere, so please enjoy this picture of a county accountant staring sadly at a calculator.
More Than 100 Smoke Detectors Distributed
The department has also handed out more than 100 smoke detectors to residents.
Critics have not yet announced whether the smoke detectors constitute an illegal expansion of municipal authority.
AvenalPress.com has reached out to several imaginary constitutional scholars to determine whether the Founding Fathers intended cities to possess smoke alarms.
Thomas Jefferson remains unavailable for comment.
Meanwhile, firefighters have hosted four CPR classes, because apparently the department has adopted the radical philosophy that preventing deaths is also part of public safety.
At this pace the department may soon begin teaching children about fire prevention.
Someone notify the attorneys.
Three Town Halls in 2½ Months
The new department has also held three public town halls in roughly ten weeks.
That is approximately three more opportunities to directly ask questions of firefighters than most residents have experienced in many years.
The department has talked about operations, answered questions and put personnel in front of the community.
Naturally, the existence of public town halls has done absolutely nothing to prevent people online from asking:
“WHY WON’T ANYBODY TELL US ANYTHING???”
Some traditions are stronger than fire.
A Department Still Learning — Because It’s 2½ Months Old
None of this means the Avenal Fire Department will be perfect.
It’s two-and-a-half months old.
At two-and-a-half months, most babies are still discovering their hands.
Avenal’s baby is responding to emergencies, conducting public education programs, recruiting firefighters and handing out lifesaving equipment.
There will be growing pains. There will be mistakes. There will be policies that need adjustment, training that needs expanding and lessons that only experience can teach.
That is how organizations are built.
The appropriate standard isn’t whether a 10-week-old department operates like a 100-year-old institution.
The question is whether it is staffing, training, responding and improving.
So far, there’s quite a bit to point to.
And City Staff Deserves Some Credit
Lost beneath court filings, political yelling, recall battles, Facebook detectives and the county-city equivalent of two divorced parents arguing over who gets the fire engine is the work done by ordinary city employees.
They were handed an enormous assignment:
Build a municipal fire department. Quickly.
And they did.
Not in five years.
Not after another dozen studies.
Not after commissioning a 387-page report entitled Preliminary Exploratory Framework for Considering the Possible Future Discussion of Maybe Having Firefighters.
They built the thing.
Whatever side someone takes in the larger political dispute, that accomplishment deserves recognition.
And so do the firefighters who signed up knowing they were walking directly into a political hurricane while trying to perform a job that is difficult enough without somebody debating your existence every twelve minutes.
AvenalPress.Com Official Fire Department Status Report
After an exhaustive investigation consisting primarily of looking outside and noticing that the fire station has not evaporated, AvenalPress.com can confirm:
The Avenal Fire Department remains open.
Firefighters remain employed.
Fire engines remain suspiciously fire-engine-shaped.
More than 100 homes have received smoke detectors.
Residents have learned CPR.
Women have been encouraged to become firefighters.
Public meetings have occurred.
And somehow civilization has continued.
For residents tired of months of predictions of catastrophe, perhaps the most rebellious response is simply allowing the department to work.
Because after all the lawsuits, rumors, shouting and dramatic Facebook posts, the biggest scandal may turn out to be this:
Avenal asked for its own fire department.
Avenal built its own fire department.
And now Avenal has a fire department.
We understand this may take some time to process.
🔥 AVENALPRESS.COM OFFICIAL SAFETY WARNING
Warning: Reading this article may cause sudden exposure to facts, satire, civic pride and dangerous levels of common sense.
Persons experiencing prolonged outrage should immediately log off Facebook and drink a glass of water.
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AvenalPress.com is satire, parody and commentary. Some statements are intentionally exaggerated for comedic effect. Unlike a structure fire, political drama should generally not be extinguished with 1,000 gallons per minute.