Residents of Avenal awoke this week to discover they’ve apparently skipped several chapters of the Constitution and gone straight to the Director’s Cut of The Lion King.
In what historians are calling “the shortest path from councilmember to monarch,” one ambitious elected official reportedly found an innovative solution to the messy inconvenience of consensus: simply nominate yourself, second yourself, vote for yourself, and—presto!—you’re the mayor.
Why bother with quorums when you’ve got confidence?
Political scientists are scrambling to rewrite textbooks after witnessing the revolutionary new governing model known as Solo Democracy™, where every vote is unanimous because every voter is… you.
Sources say the meeting moved with remarkable efficiency:
- “Any nominations for mayor?”
- “Me.”
- “Second.”
- “Motion carries.”
Total debate time: approximately seven seconds.
The city’s new unofficial seal is rumored to feature a mirror.
Residents are still searching state law for the rarely cited “Finders Keepers Clause,” which apparently allows whoever speaks first to inherit City Hall.
Witnesses say the ceremony lacked only a velvet robe, a jeweled scepter, and someone announcing, “All hail His Municipal Majesty, First of His Name, Protector of the Agenda, Breaker of Quorums.”
To be fair, there are advantages to this style of government. Council meetings are shorter. Roll call is easier. And campaign signs can simply read:
“I Endorse Me.”
Of course, critics argue democracy is supposed to involve things like procedures, participation, and, on occasion, other people.
Supporters counter that those are merely “optional accessories.”
Local children have already embraced the new civic model:
“I declared myself class president at recess,” one third grader explained. “Then I seconded it.”
Unfortunately, the teacher insisted on something called “rules.”
Clearly, the children have much to learn about modern politics.
As the dust settles, one question remains:
If one person can declare themselves mayor by voting for themselves in a meeting of one…
…can the rest of us declare ourselves on vacation?
Long live common sense. May it one day return from exile.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. It uses humor to comment on public affairs and should not be read as factual reporting. At AvenalPress.com, we roast ideas, politics, and ourselves equally. 📰🌮