By the Staff at AvenalPress.com
All the news fit to rePress.
AVENAL — After surviving what historians are already calling “The Great Facebook Civil War of Avenal,” current Mayor Alvaro Preciado has reportedly announced he’ll seek another term.
His campaign slogan?
“Progress… But Quieter.”
Standing before a backdrop featuring a fire engine, a giant water tank, a Taco Bell cup, and a shiny new pair of scissors reserved for ribbon cuttings, Mayor Preciado made what many considered a radical proposal:
“Maybe judge me by what got built instead of what got posted on Facebook.”
Campaign volunteers then wheeled out what appeared to be the longest brag board ever assembled at City Hall.
Among the accomplishments highlighted:
- Helping secure more than $4 million for a new city water tank.
- Helping establish Avenal’s first city-operated Fire Department in modern history.
- Recruiting Taco Bell, because apparently nothing says economic development quite like a Crunchwrap Supreme.
- Bringing O’Reilly Auto Parts to town so residents can finally buy windshield wipers without driving to Hanford.
- Welcoming Dollar General, proving once again that America runs on discount storage bins and paper towels.
- Helping deliver the long-awaited Avenal Community Center, scheduled to open in just a couple of months after years of planning.
- Representing Avenal on more than 15 regional and statewide boards, commissions, and organizations, meaning he’s attended enough meetings to qualify for frequent flyer miles… without ever boarding a plane.
Supporters call it leadership.
Critics call it…
…well, they usually need three Facebook posts and a screenshot with a red circle.
Campaign Promise #1:
Less Talking.
Perhaps the most shocking announcement came when Mayor Preciado acknowledged what many residents have suggested over the years.
“I’ll work on speaking less during council meetings.”
Council regulars reportedly burst into applause.
Several checked to see if it was April Fool’s Day.
Sources say campaign staff are easing him into the concept by limiting responses to only one historical reference and two follow-up clarifications per agenda item.
Medical professionals are cautiously optimistic.
Campaign Promise #2:
Work on the Accent.
The mayor also pledged to “work on his accent,” despite no one being entirely sure which accent everyone keeps talking about.
Campaign aides confirmed pronunciation lessons are underway.
Lesson One:
Say “infrastructure” without someone interrupting.
Campaign Promise #3:
The Money Question.
Knowing Facebook detectives have spent years investigating everything from parking spaces to punctuation, the mayor also addressed the rumors.
“I committed no crimes while serving on the council.”
He also reminded residents that councilmembers receive approximately $450 a month as their stipend.
Financial experts later confirmed this amount is generally insufficient for purchasing yachts, private islands, or controlling the deep state.
It will, however, buy quite a few tacos.
The Real Opponent
Political analysts agree Mayor Preciado’s biggest opponent isn’t necessarily another candidate.
It’s Facebook.
Every accomplishment seems destined to produce comments such as:
“Yeah, but…”
“My cousin heard…”
“Someone should investigate…”
“Here’s a blurry screenshot from 2024…”
In fairness, if Facebook comments counted as infrastructure projects, Avenal would have the finest roads in California.
Looking Ahead
Whether voters agree or disagree with Mayor Preciado, one thing is difficult to dispute:
Over the last decade, Avenal has seen significant public investment, new businesses, new public safety infrastructure, a nearly completed community center, and representation at regional and statewide tables where small cities often struggle to have a voice.
Whether that’s enough to earn another term is ultimately up to the voters.
But if elected, Mayor Preciado says he’s committed to one final campaign promise.
“I’ll try to keep my comments under five minutes.”
The audience reportedly laughed…
…because everyone knew that was the least believable promise of the entire campaign.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. It uses humor to comment on public affairs and should not be read as factual reporting. At AvenalPress.com, we roast ideas, politics, and ourselves equally. 📰🌮