By the Totally Serious Staff at AvenalPress.com
AVENAL, CA — In what economists are calling “the biggest development since someone finally repainted a curb,” construction is reportedly moving forward on Avenal’s first major fast-food franchise: Taco Bell, planned for the corner of 7th Avenue and Skyline Boulevard, with hopes of opening by December.
Residents immediately responded by saying the exact same thing:
“Wait… don’t we already have tacos?”
Yes.
Lots of them.
Current estimates place Avenal somewhere between seven taco restaurants, several taco trucks, three people selling tacos out of coolers, and at least one auntie whose backyard tacos have a five-star reputation.
Despite this overwhelming taco supply, experts say Avenal residents possess a remarkable ability to eat tacos up to four times a day without ever getting bored.
“It’s basically our food pyramid,” one local nutritionist admitted while eating a carne asada burrito.
The arrival of Taco Bell has sparked mixed reactions.
Some residents are thrilled to finally have another late-night option.
Others insist they’ll “never eat there,” moments before ordering three Crunchwrap Supremes at 11:47 p.m.
City officials are optimistic the project will encourage even more national chains to consider Avenal.
“If people support this business,” one imaginary economic analyst said, “there’s hope we could someday attract other legendary establishments like Panda Express, In-N-Out, Chick-fil-A, Raising Cane’s, or that mythical Olive Garden everyone’s cousin keeps promising is coming.”
The biggest concern, however, isn’t traffic.
It’s biology.
Local residents are already placing friendly wagers on how many days after opening someone posts on Facebook that Taco Bell made them sick, despite consuming six tacos, a quesadilla, nacho fries, two Baja Blasts, and cinnamon twists in one sitting.
Medical professionals remind everyone that moderation remains an effective treatment.
A revolutionary concept.
Perhaps the most inspiring part of the announcement is that local restaurant owners aren’t expected to panic.
After all, Avenal has proven one undeniable truth:
There is no such thing as too many taco places.
In fact, researchers believe the city could support another five taco restaurants before anyone even notices.
As one lifelong resident proudly declared:
“I’ll eat breakfast tacos at one place, lunch tacos at another, dinner tacos somewhere else, and Taco Bell after bowling.”
That’s not competition.
That’s community.
From all of us at AvenalPress.com, we welcome our new purple-bell overlords and wish them success.
May the tacos be plentiful, the drive-thru be fast, and the Facebook reviews be only slightly dramatic.
AvenalPress.com
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“Todas las noticias bien refritas.” 🌮🔔